(no subject)

Bored, but not tired. I can't sleep anymore. I'm too afraid when I'm awake, and then everything in my dreams is just fucked up.

I go back to school friday. As much as I like school, I don't want to go back. I'm so afraid. My friends are just friends, and I feel like there's a gap between me and everyone. All I want to do is everything that I told myself I wouldn't do, for moral or legal reasons. All I want to do is live a life where I'm surrounded by people and things, but I'm not close to any of them.

I don't want to leave. I have no idea what I want to do, of what I'd ever be good at. I don't think I can survive a life without people, but I can't deal with them either. The one person that I care about most is the one person that I want to hurt the most.


I'm torn between wanting to live my life and wanting to ruin it.

I feel too young to be dealing with caring for someone so much, and knowing that I can never force them to be tied down no matter how much I need it, because it'll destroy all their dreams. But I feel like I'm destroying all I want in order to make others happy.