I'm Broken

I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want to die, not yet, but all I want to do is just curl up in my bed and cry.

Somedays I hardly even notice it, but that's happening less and less. I get so angry, so fucking depressed that all I want to do is break everything in my room, hurt myself until I break every bone in my body, or just throw myself into the lake.

I hate being bipolar. I fucking hate it. And anti depressants just make me more agitated, and everything else just makes me a robot. I just want to be myself again.

I can't stand being like this anymore. This rage and desperation to just fucking disappear is driving me crazy. I'm stealing my roommates fucking ritalin. It's all I can do to just not get wasted every waking hour.

I hate myself so much sometimes. Why was I built WRONG?

God, I can't even sleep.

The Plotbunny Chronicles, Part 1

So I've recently been hit with a few plotbunnies, mostly for SPN and J2. And unless I suddenly lose my mine (which, considering these last few weeks, is more likely then I'd like to admit), none of these will probably ever get beyond this stage.

Wings of Desire (J2)
Jared is an angel, sent to receive those about to die. He becomes fascinated with a talented and lovely, but profoundly lonely musician, Jensen Ackles. Jared longs to experience life as a human, but is held back by his duty and the reason arguments of his friend, Michael. But after meeting Eric, a family man that was once one of them, and Michael becoming haunted by the suicide of Tom, a young journalist, Jared is prompted to give up his past for an uncertain future to save the man he loves.

Promentory (Sam/Dean)
During the French and Indian War, British troops commandeered colonial militias. One small settlement near Fort Niagara, led by John Winchester, resisted joining the troops, citing their need to be able to defend their homes in case of attack from the French or First Nation enemies. When the resistance is stopped, it's leader killed for treason, and the men forced into service, the town is attacked, leaving only two survivors, Sam and Dean Winchester. The boys are rescued by Iroquois Nation allies, and are raised on the edge of colonial civilization. Upon learning that Colonel Harris was implicit in the attack and razing of their town, and seeks to subdue the Iroquoin presence in New York, the brothers, bonded by blood, love, and pain, must journey through New England to save the future of their home.

"He's that guy, with the thing" (J2)
Jensen Ackles is a successful corporate shark, having just secured a high profile government contract for Ackles Heavy Industries in aviation design and production. But when a rival brings up Jensen's lack of the status as family man CEO, he hires relationship coach and single parent of three (one human, two canine) Jared Padalecki to find him a wife. But who do you call when you fall in love with your matchmaker?

There are more, it's just I need some time to work them out. Hey, at least I have a handy list if I ever get hit by the fanfic bug.

And yes, the first fic is inspired by the German movie Wings of Desire (I couldn't think up a title), which is the original and much better version of City of Angels. And for the second, I really just wanted a James Fenimore Cooper/Last of the Mohicans version of Sam and Dean. I mean, think about it! Seriously, watch the movie and tell me that the boys wouldn't fit in that world. I dare ya.

So, most awesome flist of mine, I hope that you can tell me if any of these stories are worthy enough to take beyond the summary stage. If they sound good, I'll do my best to procrastinate on poli sci readings and write some fic!