(no subject)

[interpol15]

just got off of work again. so many idiots, not enough patience. i don't get paid enough for what i do.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.

the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.

Comments

[ikari601.livejournal.com]

hmm...i'll agree with sierra, with the addition on the whole 'falling in love' it has it's down sides...some big ones, like the pain of break ups, etc, but the happiness during is more than worth it and actually makes life feel worth living. oh, and don't get drunk, even with friends, unless it's with sake. oh, and yes, hurting yourself is good when you're single, but if you get into a relationship, stop (i know it's hard) because from that point on you're hurting more than just yourself, remember that, or it might come to haunt you (i'm talkin' to sierra on the phone and she agrees, that is if your significant other cares about you) so yea, just felt like commentin', sorry for wasting space