(no subject)

[interpol15]

just got off of work again. so many idiots, not enough patience. i don't get paid enough for what i do.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.

the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.

Comments

[ikari601.livejournal.com]

is that to say that you want to hurt others? that you don't want any friends? or do you want friends who will understand and except the you behind the mask? or none of the above...?

[interpol15.livejournal.com]

i don't know. maybe it's both, maybe it's none of it. maybe i just want to hurt others that hurt and bother me. but we as human beings can't lose our restraint or it will cause damage to the relationships we have with friends and family all around us. oh, i hope you and sierra had a good time tues., and are doing ok. if anyone needs to vent, that's what i'm here for.

this is Sierra...the Target slut..."expect more for less..."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_fubuki_/]

Down with people and the corporate whore!

More importantly...

If you hate that person who you're becomming, get rid of them. It doesn't have to be over night, it can be slowly if you want. Just remember - you only have one life, and every moment you live a lie, you waste a moment of time that could have (in your mind) been better spent. For example, I have a bad back as you know (oh yes, I'm going to tell *this* old chestnut), and I still continue practicing martial arts. Even though this can be very destructive to my body and my future mobility, I care minimaly. Why? Because I don't see the point in living a life that I don't want to live. Not to sound suicidal, but my life is my own (and your life is your own) to do as you will. No one can feel for you - not your mom, friends or dad. No one can live for you. If you're not living the life taht you want to live, what are you living? An illusion, that's what.

I know how it feels to want to feel so much that you think you could explode...except you can't explode because you don't feel anything...which is why you want o feel so much...I remember feeling so empty and alone at times that I felt like a shell. Things are picking up now. I want things to pick up for you too, as you are my friend. If you ever need to use me as an excuse, or talk, or need to go somewhere w/ some one, give me a ring! I know how it is to hate being fake...you feel so cheap and flimsy...

"I want to bleed," I want to satisfy my bloodlust by dieing a highly meaningful swordfight of legendary proportions...Otherwise, I really hate the sensation of cutting myself

"punch," - Once when I was younger (13-ish), I punched a guy (Mitch Town) in the face for trying to jack my bike...

"scream," - You know how many times I've wanted to run into an open field just to scream because I'm either a) emotional, or b) my voice is never given the opportunity to reach past a certain decible?

"hurt myself," I mentally agonize over many things...I hurt enough physically once a month to not want to hurt myself, hahaha. I usually don't want to cause myself bodily harm unless I agonize so bad over something mentally that I feel I must make amends by "sacrificing" myself.

"hurt others," - Being in my relationship has caused enough of that. I didn't know that two of my friends liked Jacob before I started dating him. When they found out, they cried. It really, really sucks, but makes you feel alive, 1,2,3.

"feel the high of racing down a road," - I'm always afraid that I'll hit some one/something...

"dancing all night at a rave," - yes! That would be fun!

"have sex," - yes! Lemons are not enough!

"get drunk," - no! i'm an indignant drunk. Once my mom tried to get me drunk for shits and giggles, but I didn't want to give her any satisfaction, so I became angry when I was tipsy. I'd have to be w/ friends...

"fall in love," - yes!

"protest," - I went to a John Kerry rally and a John Edwards rally once, and it felt really good.

"scare myself with a horror movie marathon." yes!

Fresh Air

[hidama-sky.livejournal.com]

Well Gail, here I am-Sarah.

Sierra said a good portion of my thoughts in her response (kudos for her reading my mind), and all I have to say is I'll pray for you about it, and I think I should start getting you the heck out of your house.

It's harder for me to give advice in this area- You always felt like you had a mountain to climb to make sure you -at least- make it to the same place as Leigh, and try not to be the family outcast like your eldest sister. I had sort of an opposite adventure in my life. I've always felt I needed to make up for my brother, who ran away from home, and was a very poor student. It wasn't until my Senior year did I start becoming my own self. It's hard, but if not this summer, it'll be easier when you go to Madison to discover yourself.

Now, I think a dose of fresh air might do you some good too.

here's the deal- I go out regularly, call me if you'd like to join me.

Monday- I'd like to take you to a College and Carreer- awesome singing and talking. Talk about God and brewers games

Thursday- A couple of us get together and play volleyball in hartland from 7-9pm. We all meet at my house and we take one car, afterwards stopping at Wholy Cow for ice cream.

Friday -TBA. We usually hang out at a friend's place

Saturday - TBA See "Friday"

Sunday- 7:00 is a great hour long church service for teens and college adults, and afterwards a group of us ususally hangs out.

So... Keep that in mind, and call me on my cellphone if any of these nights you are interested in joining.

[ikari601.livejournal.com]

hmm...i'll agree with sierra, with the addition on the whole 'falling in love' it has it's down sides...some big ones, like the pain of break ups, etc, but the happiness during is more than worth it and actually makes life feel worth living. oh, and don't get drunk, even with friends, unless it's with sake. oh, and yes, hurting yourself is good when you're single, but if you get into a relationship, stop (i know it's hard) because from that point on you're hurting more than just yourself, remember that, or it might come to haunt you (i'm talkin' to sierra on the phone and she agrees, that is if your significant other cares about you) so yea, just felt like commentin', sorry for wasting space