Feeling Frustrated and my Deep Dark Secrets

Feeling Frustrated

Today = very bad tired day. I said some things that I shouldn't have, and I don't know if it is resentment from taking care of Sick Boy for the last week, have been running on a lot less sleep today then what I normally get, and therefore have been thrown off schedule, the weight of exams coming up, weird hormones/emotions that have been action funky all week, the fact that lately I have just been unable to take any kind of joke or abandonment, of the fact that I just made a HUGE decision about birth control (and me going on it), and am now kinda/sorta having to deal with it right now, and it's freaking me out.

Actually, all of this is what's going on today.

I felt like I acted like a bitch this evening, and I feel bad about it, but I've been so FUCKING frustrated the last few days that all I want to do is cry and have someone take care of ME for once, instead of me taking care of everyone else all the time.

And I don't know why this has just started to bubble to the surface. The fact that I bury all my emotions scare me, because then when my guard is down, they come out all at once, and people in the way end up being casualties.

Secrets

This was inspired by the comm ljsecret. I've always wanted to be able to get some of this stuff off of my back.

1. I regret not taking choir. Even though I play Bass clarinet and clarinet well enough to be in the top youth orchestra and band in my state, I still want to audition for musicals and for college choir. People say that I have a decent voice, but I've never had it trained. I'd do so much to be in drama and chorus, especially a large part. I've always wanted to be in plays.
2. I'm so damn sick of having been depressed and bipolar. It fucking sucks. I hate having to take pills, having "issues" with my sisters, hating myself for years for no fucking reason. I just want to look in a mirror and like what I see, to not have to see a psychiatrist, to have to deal with all of this shit.
3. I still pull out my hair occasionally. I'm trying to stop (again). I hope it works.
4. As much as I care for him, I wish my boyfriend would be more romantic, and just more spontaneous. Random snowball fights, just walking around town at night doing whatever, that kind of stuff.
5. I think Erica S. is a complete tease. She may not mean it, but that's what she does, and it drives me crazy.
6. I want to room with Brittney next year. But she already promised to room with someone else, even though she just told me that she'd rather room with me.
7. I can't STAND people that don't shower everyday. It's disgusting.
8. I'm sick of super-hardcore/metal/whatever. I want MY music back!
9. As much as I love my friends and family, I wish that they would call me. But when we do talk, it's always these forced conversations that are the most awkward things in the world, and I hate them. I wish my relationships with my family was like those of my friends, and I wish my friends actually seemed to care to know if I existed.
10. I hate always feeling as if I fucked everything up after things don't go right. Yeah, maybe if I keep acting like a bitch or whatever, and refuse to apologize, then it will be fucked up, but nothing really went that wrong. I just wish I didn't get that pit in my stomach everytime.


"You can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know
I'm there"

"I hope I didn't take up too much of your time"