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interpol15Feeling Frustrated
Today = very bad tired day. I said some things that I shouldn't have, and I don't know if it is resentment from taking care of Sick Boy for the last week, have been running on a lot less sleep today then what I normally get, and therefore have been thrown off schedule, the weight of exams coming up, weird hormones/emotions that have been action funky all week, the fact that lately I have just been unable to take any kind of joke or abandonment, of the fact that I just made a HUGE decision about birth control (and me going on it), and am now kinda/sorta having to deal with it right now, and it's freaking me out.
Actually, all of this is what's going on today.
I felt like I acted like a bitch this evening, and I feel bad about it, but I've been so FUCKING frustrated the last few days that all I want to do is cry and have someone take care of ME for once, instead of me taking care of everyone else all the time.
And I don't know why this has just started to bubble to the surface. The fact that I bury all my emotions scare me, because then when my guard is down, they come out all at once, and people in the way end up being casualties.
Secrets
This was inspired by the comm![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ljsecret. I've always wanted to be able to get some of this stuff off of my back.
1. I regret not taking choir. Even though I play Bass clarinet and clarinet well enough to be in the top youth orchestra and band in my state, I still want to audition for musicals and for college choir. People say that I have a decent voice, but I've never had it trained. I'd do so much to be in drama and chorus, especially a large part. I've always wanted to be in plays.
2. I'm so damn sick of having been depressed and bipolar. It fucking sucks. I hate having to take pills, having "issues" with my sisters, hating myself for years for no fucking reason. I just want to look in a mirror and like what I see, to not have to see a psychiatrist, to have to deal with all of this shit.
3. I still pull out my hair occasionally. I'm trying to stop (again). I hope it works.
4. As much as I care for him, I wish my boyfriend would be more romantic, and just more spontaneous. Random snowball fights, just walking around town at night doing whatever, that kind of stuff.
5. I think Erica S. is a complete tease. She may not mean it, but that's what she does, and it drives me crazy.
6. I want to room with Brittney next year. But she already promised to room with someone else, even though she just told me that she'd rather room with me.
7. I can't STAND people that don't shower everyday. It's disgusting.
8. I'm sick of super-hardcore/metal/whatever. I want MY music back!
9. As much as I love my friends and family, I wish that they would call me. But when we do talk, it's always these forced conversations that are the most awkward things in the world, and I hate them. I wish my relationships with my family was like those of my friends, and I wish my friends actually seemed to care to know if I existed.
10. I hate always feeling as if I fucked everything up after things don't go right. Yeah, maybe if I keep acting like a bitch or whatever, and refuse to apologize, then it will be fucked up, but nothing really went that wrong. I just wish I didn't get that pit in my stomach everytime.
"You can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know
I'm there"
"I hope I didn't take up too much of your time"
Today = very bad tired day. I said some things that I shouldn't have, and I don't know if it is resentment from taking care of Sick Boy for the last week, have been running on a lot less sleep today then what I normally get, and therefore have been thrown off schedule, the weight of exams coming up, weird hormones/emotions that have been action funky all week, the fact that lately I have just been unable to take any kind of joke or abandonment, of the fact that I just made a HUGE decision about birth control (and me going on it), and am now kinda/sorta having to deal with it right now, and it's freaking me out.
Actually, all of this is what's going on today.
I felt like I acted like a bitch this evening, and I feel bad about it, but I've been so FUCKING frustrated the last few days that all I want to do is cry and have someone take care of ME for once, instead of me taking care of everyone else all the time.
And I don't know why this has just started to bubble to the surface. The fact that I bury all my emotions scare me, because then when my guard is down, they come out all at once, and people in the way end up being casualties.
Secrets
This was inspired by the comm
ljsecret. I've always wanted to be able to get some of this stuff off of my back.1. I regret not taking choir. Even though I play Bass clarinet and clarinet well enough to be in the top youth orchestra and band in my state, I still want to audition for musicals and for college choir. People say that I have a decent voice, but I've never had it trained. I'd do so much to be in drama and chorus, especially a large part. I've always wanted to be in plays.
2. I'm so damn sick of having been depressed and bipolar. It fucking sucks. I hate having to take pills, having "issues" with my sisters, hating myself for years for no fucking reason. I just want to look in a mirror and like what I see, to not have to see a psychiatrist, to have to deal with all of this shit.
3. I still pull out my hair occasionally. I'm trying to stop (again). I hope it works.
4. As much as I care for him, I wish my boyfriend would be more romantic, and just more spontaneous. Random snowball fights, just walking around town at night doing whatever, that kind of stuff.
5. I think Erica S. is a complete tease. She may not mean it, but that's what she does, and it drives me crazy.
6. I want to room with Brittney next year. But she already promised to room with someone else, even though she just told me that she'd rather room with me.
7. I can't STAND people that don't shower everyday. It's disgusting.
8. I'm sick of super-hardcore/metal/whatever. I want MY music back!
9. As much as I love my friends and family, I wish that they would call me. But when we do talk, it's always these forced conversations that are the most awkward things in the world, and I hate them. I wish my relationships with my family was like those of my friends, and I wish my friends actually seemed to care to know if I existed.
10. I hate always feeling as if I fucked everything up after things don't go right. Yeah, maybe if I keep acting like a bitch or whatever, and refuse to apologize, then it will be fucked up, but nothing really went that wrong. I just wish I didn't get that pit in my stomach everytime.
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know
I'm there"
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Roommates. Boyfriends. Choir. Family. Music.
Date: 2005-12-14 08:01 am (UTC)Boyfriends: I had a gay boyfriend for a while. It's a long, long story. And it has to do with footsie.
Choir: Madison choir must be awesome. The choir here is.. mediocre, but it's almost to our high school state level.. *snickers*. But I'm sticking with it as long as it fits in my schedule. You should try out, and see where they place you. You have great music-reading skills, and a great ear already from the clarinets. Not to mention breathing techniques. I think you'll do awesome.
And I know what you mean about music.
And family: If you just can't handle it, you know where I live. Stop by whenever and vent a little, or take a break. Hey, we're practically neighbors. So don't be a stranger.
Bonne Chance avec les examens.
All love,
~Sarah
Re: Roommates. Boyfriends. Choir. Family. Music.
Date: 2005-12-15 03:42 pm (UTC)Well, at least you have an idea why you might be acting like a bitch, and that makes things all the better. This past week, I've been off my friggin' rocker, and I have NO clue why. I know how you feel, but I think that you're lucky, haha. At least when you know why you are acting out, you don't feel insane.
I'm OK with my family (the ones I live with), but I don't feel tight nit. My sister and I get along, but maybe that's cos we never have anything to do with each other. My mom is over protective, and it makes me resentful. For example, I went to Jacob's house (7 minutes away), it was gonna snow so my mom freaked out on me. My sister drives to Milwaukee to meet a friend who lives in a crummy part of town - when it was snowing - My mom says *nothing* to her.I kind of hate those stories where the sisters are impossibly close and tight nit. I think they're fake, but they make my mom threaten to take my sister and I to a psychiatrist. That's my little bit on family issues though. They're really not so bad.
I think the worst part of everything is the abandonment issue though. Abandonment is a form of betrayal. THat's why they say that treasoners and people who commit mutiny are on the lowest circle of hell. Enough of that dramatic piece though, I hope that everything clears up!