(no subject)

Wow. I don't know what it is, but I'm on an angst kick lately. Maybe it's just the weather, thunderstorms, grey heat and cold.

Finally am getting back on top of my classes. And it looks like the dog isn't going to die before spring break.

Thunderstorms rolling in across the lake. You can see the cloud rim everytime the lightning strikes. It's insanely beautiful. This is why I love the midwest.

I'm not allowed to think late at night anymore

Confessional time-

1. I'm a bad Catholic. Awful, if you want the truth. And I feel guilty because I can believe in the essence of it, but not in all the restrictions and practices that are based millenia old folk nomadic tribal crap. I believe, I really do, but I feel like I only do because I'm to scared to deal with the fact that there may just be nothing out there. I really do, but I can't believe in the way that I should. I love being a Catholic, the fact that I always have something to turn to, the beauty, passion, tradition of the Church, but I just can't follow it completely and not hate myself. I can't follow in something that has been changed and controlled by fallible humans, because we get it wrong, because we simply can't comprehend the truth behind God. And the church has some of that for me, but I know that it's like an ant trying to understand an ocean. It may get a raindrop, but it simply can't fathom the sea.

2. I'm scared, terrified of becoming an alcoholic. My whole family drinks, sometimes to excess, but I know that I have no control when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I fucking love the numbness, the lack of self-doubt, and I know that I'd do anything to not second guess myself all the time. This stuff brings out a me that didn't have all their self esteem destroyed by a distant family and fucked up chemical inbalances.

3. I don't take my meds anymore. I just can't deal with them. I hate feeling plastic, hate the idea that if I want to fit in, I have to take Zoloft, or Cymbalta, or Valium for the rest of my life. They're like putting a band-aid over a wound. They work yes, but not when they leave me feeling completely fake. And I'll never know how to deal with the source of the problems, how to actually overcome anxiety attacks, or build a support base so I can make it through another breakdown, or tell the difference between feeling down and actually being depressed.

4. Psychology is complete bullshit. I don't know why I'm even majoring in it. I like cognitive psych, and mental illness, but all that talk about your childhood, actual real therapy I hate. It helps, I know from experience, but sometimes it's all just shit. Mostly the stuff that deals with talking about feelings and deals with self help, or facing your personal demons. Cognitive and behavioral therapy works, but the person that knows your mind best is you, and not some doctor that asks about your childhood. They might have good ideas, and act as good reinforcers for positive feedback, but you mind knows when it can face things, or when it's a good time to repress.