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Jul. 2nd, 2005 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
interpol15just got off of work again. so many idiots, not enough patience. i don't get paid enough for what i do.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.
the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.
the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
this is Sierra...the Target slut..."expect more for less..."
Date: 2005-07-06 05:26 am (UTC)More importantly...
If you hate that person who you're becomming, get rid of them. It doesn't have to be over night, it can be slowly if you want. Just remember - you only have one life, and every moment you live a lie, you waste a moment of time that could have (in your mind) been better spent. For example, I have a bad back as you know (oh yes, I'm going to tell *this* old chestnut), and I still continue practicing martial arts. Even though this can be very destructive to my body and my future mobility, I care minimaly. Why? Because I don't see the point in living a life that I don't want to live. Not to sound suicidal, but my life is my own (and your life is your own) to do as you will. No one can feel for you - not your mom, friends or dad. No one can live for you. If you're not living the life taht you want to live, what are you living? An illusion, that's what.
I know how it feels to want to feel so much that you think you could explode...except you can't explode because you don't feel anything...which is why you want o feel so much...I remember feeling so empty and alone at times that I felt like a shell. Things are picking up now. I want things to pick up for you too, as you are my friend. If you ever need to use me as an excuse, or talk, or need to go somewhere w/ some one, give me a ring! I know how it is to hate being fake...you feel so cheap and flimsy...
"I want to bleed," I want to satisfy my bloodlust by dieing a highly meaningful swordfight of legendary proportions...Otherwise, I really hate the sensation of cutting myself
"punch," - Once when I was younger (13-ish), I punched a guy (Mitch Town) in the face for trying to jack my bike...
"scream," - You know how many times I've wanted to run into an open field just to scream because I'm either a) emotional, or b) my voice is never given the opportunity to reach past a certain decible?
"hurt myself," I mentally agonize over many things...I hurt enough physically once a month to not want to hurt myself, hahaha. I usually don't want to cause myself bodily harm unless I agonize so bad over something mentally that I feel I must make amends by "sacrificing" myself.
"hurt others," - Being in my relationship has caused enough of that. I didn't know that two of my friends liked Jacob before I started dating him. When they found out, they cried. It really, really sucks, but makes you feel alive, 1,2,3.
"feel the high of racing down a road," - I'm always afraid that I'll hit some one/something...
"dancing all night at a rave," - yes! That would be fun!
"have sex," - yes! Lemons are not enough!
"get drunk," - no! i'm an indignant drunk. Once my mom tried to get me drunk for shits and giggles, but I didn't want to give her any satisfaction, so I became angry when I was tipsy. I'd have to be w/ friends...
"fall in love," - yes!
"protest," - I went to a John Kerry rally and a John Edwards rally once, and it felt really good.
"scare myself with a horror movie marathon." yes!