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Jul. 2nd, 2005 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
interpol15just got off of work again. so many idiots, not enough patience. i don't get paid enough for what i do.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.
the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.
i'm so tired of going through everything just hiding my emotions. unless it's pain, i just swallow it, and pain is the only thing that i'm worthy of feeling. i'm so sick of plastering on a happy smile on my face while at work and with my friends.
the only time i really feel alive is when i'm playing or listening to music. the louder the better. i'm one of those persons who buries all their extreme emotions. both my sisters were problem children, one a genius princess for whom the world revolved around, the other blaming all her problems on all those around her and moving as far away as soon as she could, never even calling. my parents never even realized how depressed and how self-destructive i was until i finally told them. i know i feel pressure to not be like my sisters, and i know i'm not. a good student, and somehow considered trustworthy and hardworking by parents and co-workers. the only thing extreme about me is my politics.
pertaining to drugs and alcohol, i'm straight-edge, so that means none, but i want to feel. i want to bleed, punch, scream, hurt myself, hurt others, feel the high of racing down a road, dancing all night at a rave, have sex, get drunk, fall in love, protest, scare myself with a horror movie marathon. i need to finally get my emotions out in the open instead of just hiding them. i want to stop being such a fucking fake.
the person i've been pretending to be in order to not hurt others is who i'm becoming AND I DON'T LIKE THAT PERSON.
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Fresh Air
Date: 2005-07-06 04:28 pm (UTC)Sierra said a good portion of my thoughts in her response (kudos for her reading my mind), and all I have to say is I'll pray for you about it, and I think I should start getting you the heck out of your house.
It's harder for me to give advice in this area- You always felt like you had a mountain to climb to make sure you -at least- make it to the same place as Leigh, and try not to be the family outcast like your eldest sister. I had sort of an opposite adventure in my life. I've always felt I needed to make up for my brother, who ran away from home, and was a very poor student. It wasn't until my Senior year did I start becoming my own self. It's hard, but if not this summer, it'll be easier when you go to Madison to discover yourself.
Now, I think a dose of fresh air might do you some good too.
here's the deal- I go out regularly, call me if you'd like to join me.
Monday- I'd like to take you to a College and Carreer- awesome singing and talking. Talk about God and brewers games
Thursday- A couple of us get together and play volleyball in hartland from 7-9pm. We all meet at my house and we take one car, afterwards stopping at Wholy Cow for ice cream.
Friday -TBA. We usually hang out at a friend's place
Saturday - TBA See "Friday"
Sunday- 7:00 is a great hour long church service for teens and college adults, and afterwards a group of us ususally hangs out.
So... Keep that in mind, and call me on my cellphone if any of these nights you are interested in joining.